I’ve been toxic lately. I’m not trying to, or going to excuse my behaviour. I was wrong, I feel guilty and I feel painfully self aware of my own toxic tendencies. I have to forgive myself though, because I know this is just the external manifestation of internal pain. Still, no excuse for my behaviour; it is my fault and my fault alone. Moving forward, I’m the only person that can change.
I was insulting and emotionally abusive; it is is not ok, this behaviour isn’t acceptable.
No matter the pain, there is no excuse for my behaviour.
I was selfish and apathetic to the needs and feelings of other people.
I found myself in a position where my heart wouldn’t be made priority, and so, I protected myself. I emotionally withdrew and my walls came up. I then had little respect for another person’s feelings, and I used them for attention and this was unfair. I was being completely self absorbed, and I had little regard and thought for and of her feelings.
I didn’t know what I wanted, and my feelings kept changing, everyday. I wanted her and then I wanted her not; this wishy washy behaviour is toxic, emotionally abusive and completely not acceptable. Moving forward I will sit with my feelings longer, and observe how what I want changes with time. Once I have a better understand on what I want, I will then meditate on and give thought to how I communicate how I feel and what I want, and how this will affect the other person and how they feel.
Still no excuse.
I must own my behaviour and accept responsibility, for if I am to grow, how could I possibly hope to without many painful confrontations with reality?
This is my confession and I am going to be better.