What do you want?
A simple question, or so it seems; but how often have you silently sat, and pondered what it truly is that you desire? Do you know, well, shit, I don’t even know; how can one even know? Well, it seems that in life we use one thing as a reference to know another thing; a contrasting of poles, opposites. To know the light we must know the dark, it’s as if one cannot perceptually exist without the other.
During our teenage years, we (some of us) begin dating, and in the beginning we had no idea what we wanted, at least in dating. So we dove head first into the reckless abandon (sometimes) of dating; the process of the discovery of self and other. We feel the arrows from cupids bow, piercing our armour to reveal our weakness, and sometimes we bleed for years. But you move on. You have to. With each attempt exploding up in flames and falling out of the sky, we get burned and we never forget the pain; the pain is what keeps up oriented in the right direction.
What do I want?
This is something that I find difficult to answer, so I’m going to try explore the primary sources of pain for me now and in the past, and I’m going to see if I can abstract out the negative side of the equation.
Some of the biggest pains I have experienced (in relation to others), include but are not limited to:
- Abandonment (a lot)
- Anxious attachment style
- No praise or encouragement
- Childhood emotional neglect
- Lack of affection & love
- Rejection by peers (due to my autism)
So, from this list I can infer a few things about what I want:
- I want to feel secure, prioritised, seen, accepted, loved and given physical and verbal affection
And now that we understand what we want, we can move onto the final stage.
In relationships, boundaries are our enforced line; the line which must not be crossed, for any reason, or else. So, to know the boundaries we must know what we will not accept; you can infer this by inverting your previous inference (about what you want).
However, I’m stuck on a question… If, for instance, I want a relationship but I recognise that relationships take a long time to grow from a seed to a flower, that is to say relationships are formed only once a flower has blossomed, and the conversation about exclusivity is had. How do I simultaneously enforce my boundaries, of say wanting to be a priority, with understanding one cannot demand to be a priority for some time, until the flower had blossomed. Or is it okay to know what one wants, what one will tolerate depending on the context?
If, for instance, I want a relationship that is passionate and romantic, but I also don’t want to focus in on one person whilst I growth this delicate flower, and I want to spread my attention across many people, exploring and tasting the different flavours on offer. Does this mean that I don’t enforce my boundary of prioritisation until a relationship has blossomed, and the conversation about prioritisation and exclusivity has been had?
This now makes sense to me, thank you.
I must focus it on my own energy, my own needs, wants and desires before focusing in on another’s; that is to say I must tend to my own gardening before watering another’s. I can visit many gardens, but it’s upkeep is not my responsibility; my garden, my responsibility.