What is the perfect partner… is there such a thing… would I even know if she was placed perfectly in front of me? How am I supposed to feel, what are the signs, what should I look for?
I want to feel stimulated and mentally involved; I want conversations to arise out of the banalities of life, as if they were preordained, as if they were scripted. I want to dance, eat and love, together, as if our souls were moving to the same beat. The tempo, the rhythm, I require a match. I want to feel seen, heard and felt… I want to feel like I can depend, like I can rely. I want to feel their presence and I want to feel their awareness of each moment passing through the day. I want to bond over music, fitness, humour and intellect; I want the deep conversation, long winded and spurring alternate routes, wrapped in humour, laced with innuendo and tied with love.
I’m not sure if I made the right decision, and yet I must accept it. Regardless of my internal perspective, whether it be right or wrong… I must move on. Knowing that I caused pain, unintentionally of course, hurts me too. It hurts not knowing; the tentative feeling, the quiet feeling, the one that feels calm; that feeling that causes so much uncertainty and doubt, the feeling that threw your emotions all about.
I feel sad, I feel lonely; I feel ounces of uncertain regret.