On changing.

The environment within which we were raised, as a child, teenager, and until now, is the same environment that has resulted, in part, in our current configuration. This environmental constitution elicits particular behaviours from us, resulting in particular perspectives and ways of viewing and interacting with reality. Within this environment we are only able to change ourselves within a defined window; within a prescribed and defined scope. Should we deviate from within this socially defined boundary, for example, within the family unit/dynamic, ‘we’, that is, ‘the family group’, believe this and don’t believe that, and therefore should we act in a way that deviates from our fundamental core beliefs/perspective, then we will cast us aside like a pet they no longer wish to care for. And so, we are stuck. This invisible relational prison, that is, the dynamic within which our relationships to our family and the people we are friends with, keeps us frozen in time; any attempts to grow and change will be met with a barrage of criticism and contempt, differentiated in a way to negatively affect our emotions and modulate our perspective and worldview in a way that is agreeable to them. This makes perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective – our immediate family members and closest friends were the people upon which we relied for protection, food production and/or acquisition, connection, emotional support and often accommodation and shelter; we were dependent on these people for our lives.

On changing

To truly grow and propel oneself outside of the artificially defined ceiling and conditioned life encapsulating one’s life, one must remove themselves from all of these relationships. If we truly seek happiness, fulfilment, and inner peace, remaining in the environment that truly hurt us is not compatible with the life we wish to live. This environment demanded a particular version of us, and now we need to kill the person we once were – we must slay them in the street. They say the sages and the wise ones all went on a pilgrimage of solitude, in a cave, in the wild, alone. They sat and sunk into themselves, truly diving deep within, swimming through their depths – through their infinite waters.

Let us go and sit in our cave, whether it be near or far, we must physically, mentally, and spiritually remove ourselves from their presence; we must go alone on our internal pilgrimage. I moved to another city, and covid-19 forced me to sit alone, and just be. I could not move far to distract myself, I had to just accept what is, and peer deep into my soul, and swim in my depths. I found that in time, and with experience, that is, experience within relating to others who were also mentally, emotionally, physically and emotionally healthy, that I grew like a plant reaching for the sun, basking in the pour of the day – soaking in the nutrients of the earth, and transmuting soil into sunshine and love.

When I emerged from my cave, I stepped into the sunshine and felt it vibrate the depths of my soul, tingling my skin and plastering a smile across my face. I walked into town and spoke to a few closest, and I found that the magnetic attraction no longer existed, that trauma understanding and connection ceased to fuel the dynamic. In this realisation I questioned myself, and so I stopped and thought. How do I feel about this, and what do I think about this? Not what do these people think… what do I, me, and myself think and feel about these series of events – I began to trust myself, I began to see the shackles fall loose; I began to fly.

On loneliness

This period of self-realisation, recognition, and respect will precede a period, ill-defined, of loneliness and leadership. Loneliness because we are different, and so, we are no longer energetically compatible with those who we left behind. In desiring a better and more healthy life, we must walk alone, at least for now.

We must choose a part of the dark forest in which to venture, choose the trees that appear the darkest – the part that makes us feel the fear. Choose that which is difficult and scary, the path that is most likely inhabited and visited by fire breathing dragons, for these dragons hoard the gold we desire, and the transformation and metamorphosis we deserve; that which we sacrificed the present for the future, and now the future has arrived. We are here. Relish it, and bathe in the shine of our soul; the warm fuzzy embrace of life and love.

In time we will find our people, but we must maintain course, for this path leads away from where we were, leading us to where we seek to go.

Fear must be met with courage, courage with analysis, and difficulty with wisdom; success with humility and reflection. 

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